On abuse & injustice

Hello again! She has a blog. I didn´t know I´ll be back here so soon but the post I wanted to make on Instagram got too long…

Today I wanted to write about ABUSE and INJUSTICE. (the theme of my life these days, but of so many other people).

I am waking up another morning with these entitled criminals inside my privacy having fun harassing me and sending garbage trucks under my window (4 in 40 minutes) as I wake up on a bank holiday, and then they start following me as I move around the house with the noises, honks, pipe farts, etc.

And to top if off, I just saw an email they sent me (you´ve been tag on your profile type of email) called “El dialogo en la no violencia y las situaciones humanas” (dialogue in non-violence and human relationships) and I find it so abusive she projects the violence on me, after 8 years criminally harassing me and my career out of jealousy (4 of which I had no idea and they were just having fun ruining my life and calling me autistic) that I say: “you can shove you gaslight email up Yahaira´s ass!”

I have absolutely no support with this criminal, abusive and VIOLENT (indeed) situation. I went to bed last night feeling so alone and isolated.

I saw yesterday Roberto Rossellini´s movie “Europe ´51” (1952), and it does talk a lot about the violence of society in a war and post-war situation, and how helpless are those who are more in need. Ingrid Bergman, a wealthy mother who lost a kid, suddenly realizes the violence of class injustice, she inhabits, and spends the movie helping those in sheer need.

At the end of the movie, she is put in an insane asylum by her husband and her mother, cause nobody understands why she has this need of helping others (not even the priest!), and specially men. It is one the firsts feminists’ movies I believe.

I saw this other movie couple days ago “Just Mercy” by Destin Daniel Cretton (2017) about a young black Harvard graduate lawyer from the North, who decides to move to Alabama in the lates 1980s to fund Equal Justice Initiative, a nonprofit organization to give death row inmates a chance to a real trial defense, realizing many of the people there (generally black) are sentenced to death for crimes they did not commit. The guy is mega bullied to try to do this beautiful job.

Why is that there are so few people who stand up for others, or for abuse? Why we let criminals get away with it so easy? If there were more courageous people out there willing to risk a little for others, the world would be a better place and way more just.

But I am learning that in general, people stay silent in front of abuse, hence helping the perpetrator to continue doing it.

I have always been very vocal for some reason, with situations of abuse, since I am a kid. I am going to tell you few personal stories here.

I had a great aunt, like my grand mother here in Barcelona, who was in a situation of domestic abuse. Every Sunday we went for lunch with her family, he would yell, insult her and curse her while we were at the table. I loved her so much, she was so sweet and loving, that I would start yelling at him! “You cannot talk to my aunt like this!” My parents invariably told me to shut up and apologized for me, while none of them (and her 3 kids) would say nothing to him. I was like 5 years old.

Up until she died, she would always recall with pride how I would stand up for her! When nobody else did. My mom admits now how wrong that was. They are both dead though. She wanted to get a divorce at some point when her three sons were grown. Well, they threat her not to see her anymore if she did. Appalling.

I also lost my best girlfriend in my early twenties and the sympathy of my group of friends at that time, cause I told the best friend of her boyfriend (I had introduced her to, who funny enough was the son of my grand aunt´s best friend) she was having an affair for two years while also verbally and even physically abusing him (and living off of him). I saw him so depressed and ill when I saw him last and he was explaining the unhappiness and abuse in the relationship, when she came happy to tell me how in love she was with this lover of two years I just wanted him to know she was having a double life while abusing him.

I just couldn´t take it. Even if she was MY best friend, she was behaving horrible with my other friend. (And I may did not want to have a best friend like this anyway). They finally stayed together (never really happy) and everybody in the group sided with her and shone me, despite her being the one abusing our friend.

There´s more. In New York as well. I had this architect friend (not the best friends but socially from the same group of people), quite toxic and narcissistic. Same shit, he would cheat on her sweet girlfriend and then abuse her. I feel they abuse them because they feel guilty.

When she came asking for my help (and information cause he was driving her mad with lies and aggression) I couldn´t deny it to her, after one morning he called me bragging of his latest sexual conquest. And once again, our group of friends sided with him, and I moved on.

She was so grateful of my solidarity and help. And she left him and rebuilt her life after a year of a huge depression. She couldn´t even see me after it cause it reminded her of all that trauma she had experienced.

Then after my divorce, I had a lover who helped me a lot getting back to normal. He was a bit of disaster but had a good heart. He stopped seeing me cause he met this blonde, cute Swedish woman (a sex miracle) who moved in with him and made him a child, like in three months. When the child was about to be born, he came back one day to see me all stressed out and already in an abusive situation. When she had the baby, she started beating him up even, and when she saw he was thinking of moving her out, she falsely accused him at the police of sexual assault, hence evicting him from his own house, having him see his son at a police precinct and putting at risk his medical license and work!

The trial lasted almost two years, where I took him back (almost out of solidarity) and gave him keys of my house since he had no house. He never used them (he had plenty of support in his close circle) but that gesture meant a lot to him. He was so in pain and in shock with what was happening to him. She was badmouthing him socially and people looked down at him a lot.

The first year, not even his lawyer believed him! She looks like a little princess and the mother bullshit and all. She was a monster. It was me who researching online found this lawyer who explained exactly what she was doing (it seems it is common with a type of abusive and derange female predators). This was an aha moment for him and after this, he changed lawyers and finally won the trial, and she was deported back the Sweeden with the child.

In all these situations, the recurrent theme is the lack of visibility of the real situation, and the lack of support the real victims have.

It is happening to me right now. And it happened to Peter as well when I met him. I think that was the main reason why we became such friends and so close. He would tell me “Talking to you means so much to me” and things of the sort. I now feel he must not have had real support back then and I was a real emotional support even if I knew nothing.

I now also understand many of his “strange” behavior, I have had myself when I was at my lowest a year ago. He was under severe abuse and was unable to say anything and did not see a way out. He did not have the strength for it (yet).

For some reason, I cannot stand seeing people in distress and suffering. And even if Peter would not tell me anything, I might have felt it. Maybe it is due to seeing my dear great aunt abused by my uncle. Or maybe it is just a part of me. I am never going to shut up or side with any abusive situation out of fear. NEVER. So good luck with your Vagina Dialogues.

All the stories I relate here are of domestic abuse and personal relationship abuse. Which are really horrible. This type of psychological abuse really can break people. I´ve seen it in every case.

I am just a collateral, so I am doing fine, but I have also suffered a lot from the decimation of my life and personal relationships, which all these abusers are expert at it. When they isolate you, they can hurt you and control you better.

Also, feelings of jealousy are at core of all their need to hurt you and destroy you. They are unhappy people, and they can´t stand what you have in their eyes.

But the movie “Just Mercy” talks about another type of abuse: RACISM and BIGOTRY. It stricken me when the young lawyer says he wants to go down to Alabama to help these people cause nobody in his community is doing it. In fact, it is a white lady from Alabama who joins him at first. People are scared.

People normally get scared of retaliation, and that fear is precisely what the perpetrator of abuse uses to be able to keep behaving in such criminal manner. So happy to know nobody is going to stand up to them.

It takes a lot of courage (and HOPE) to fight abuse. We have seen it for decades in the black people of the USA. How a few firsts, and then more and more and more, who have joined to demand an end of this abusive, unjust and criminal situation they have been enduring for centuries. And which still is not over yet completely.

It is so painful when you are a victim of injustice and abuse and the system goes along with it, the community goes along with it, your friends go along with it, even your family go along with it (cause silence is complicit) … I now understand it so much better.

When JUSTICE is not respected, it is so VIOLENT.

And I have learnt, any situation of abuse and injustice functions in the same manner. And if nothing, with the criminal situation I live for YEARS now, where I have absolutely no support from barely anybody, I am only more determined not to be silent in front of any type of abusive and unjust situation.

I am a victim of a millionaire American racist, fascist, with mental and alcoholic problems, who as she rightly points out, I feel indeed, a little of what the black people have suffered in America by the likes of her and her ancestry. And believe me it is horrible. As horrible as she is.

I feel racism in America is also a problem with jealousy, cause black people are these incredible gorgeous soulful beings, with the bodies of Gods and so sexual and comfortable in their bodies (as opposed to the many religiously repressed and ignorant white people) that they have envied them since the beginning of times, abusing them and excluding them, while appropriating their music and their culture (and of course fucking them). And still they rise. And more they will rise, cause there is no way of enslaving the soul of anybody.

And in their ugliness the bullies will perish. Cause hate and violence only destroys the soul of people.

And to finish, I was watching last night the news on Israel where 3.000 children have been murdered by Israel. So, Hamas kills 1.400 people in a hideous murderous attack, and you feel entitled to kill 8.000 where 3.000 are children? Seriously? So you are no better.

The TV commentator was saying something very poignant. We had terrorists in Spain at some point, ETA. He asked: “Could you imagine the government would say that it is ok to kill 140 civilians to kill one terrorist?” Who buys that??

He also was saying that what is happening in Israel right now are CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, and we see a lot of civilian demonstrations, but we yet have to see governments condemning those atrocities in a real way, like they were condemning the Russian government. With consequences for Israel.

I believe the world to come is not a world of bullies and fascists pigs (like the ones aggressing me all morning as I write this). This is over people. We have to build a world of kind and courageous people, who stand up when they see abuse happening – like the lawyer in the movie (it´s a true story), or so many courageous people out there in the world doing great things – whose education and sensibility will just not allowed them to stay silent in front of any type of unjust and abusive situation happening.

Cause the truth is bullies are all big cowards. Brave people are not violent. It takes a real shitty coward to aggress another person. And it takes a monster, like Vicente and his craven employer, to actually enjoy it.